eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 3, 2020 23:27:02 GMT -5
So Rage did know his friend was... Alonzo finally allowed himself to think the word... Dead. Gone. If he were truly honest with himself, the black-and-white supposed he'd guessed it all along. How stupid of him to suggest "maybe we can find her," as if Rage were some kit who had simply misplaced his favorite kitten toy.
Still, something within Alonzo - not exactly optimism, but something more akin to just plain old stubbornness - balked against giving up so quickly. At the same time, he feared to raise the imbalanced tom's ire again by contradicting him and persisting on the subject.
He decided to risk it anyway. Worse case, Rage might just attack him again, and Alonzo figured he could take on the other tom if it came down to it.
"When you came here," he replied, knowing he was using a lot of words but hoping he could keep the tom's attention by speaking slowly enough, "you were in a bad way." Bit of speculation on his part, since he didn't specifically remember Rage's exact state upon arriving at the Junkyard. But judging by most of the other rescuees, it was probably safe to assume Rage had been less than well. Indeed, he still seemed less than well. "It may be that...you don't...remember for certain what happened. She could be all right. We can't know for sure unless..." He trailed off, already cringing at how badly he was expressing his thoughts. No doubt Rage would simply think he was being condescending, treating him like a kit. That's if he took any notice at all.
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Post by X2 on Jan 5, 2020 10:18:37 GMT -5
Ragnvald had sat there in silence as he stared ahead of him at nothing. He was lost in his own thoughts and didn't budge when Alonzo began to talk. He had heard him and was semi-listening, but he just didn't know what to do. He had seen loss and death on the streets, but it was someone else's loss, someone else's death. Snowmane. She was the first and only cat who dared to go near him. Who had really took the time and wanted to get to know him. She was the only real connection he had to 'civilized' cats, and societal norms. He didn't understand a lot of concepts and words; which frustrated him; but that didn't seem to matter to her. She continued to be friends with him. And he let her down when she needed him most. The one thing he could do, protect and fight, and he had failed. "Failed her." He hadn't realized he had been saying that out loud.
He finally looked up at Alonzo, now no longer chanting his failure to her. Biting his bottom lip, he couldn't quite hide the sadness in his eyes. "Thought...thought the same." He swallowed hard, before he was able to push words that he didn't want to say out loud, out of his mouth. "Just...just got back...from....streets. Llll-ll-looked for her....She's....nowhere." While he had admitted that she was gone, that he knew she was. Still, he was forcing himself to face it in a more real way, in front of someone he didn't know. Hell he didn't even know the black and white tom's name. But telling him definitely made it real. He didn't know how to deal or process her death.
What was he suppose to do? How was he suppose to act?
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 5, 2020 16:31:15 GMT -5
Alonzo felt mildly surprised, albeit relieved, that Rage didn't seem to get angry with him for pressing the matter. And at last this was seemingly becoming more of an actual conversation between the two toms, rather than a mix of silence and sudden reactions.
But as he listened to Ragnvald's answer, it finally began to sink in what Rage was saying. It wasn't just speculation or unreliable memories; he'd actually looked for the queen and hadn't found her. Did he really, though? that stubborn streak in Alonzo still persisted, that need to run off and save something. This tom can barely speak, how can it be that you can take his word for it that he actually went and looked for her? He could be out of his mind... Besides, even if he really did look for her, his not finding her doesn't mean she's dead; it just means she's still missing!
Alonzo shook his head wearily, feeling exhausted all of a sudden even though he'd barely done anything today. All that stuff about trying to find the queen, about her being "just missing" - it was all just wishful thinking, Alonzo knew. Why torment this already confused tom with false hopes? He didn't really think they'd find Snowmane, did he? Alonzo just wanted the chance to run off and play hero. He'd end up leading Rage on, Snowmane would be nowhere - or, worse, they'd find her dead body - and Rage would lose his last semblance of sanity and...and do something drastic... kill himself or something, and everyone in the 'yard would know it was Alonzo's fault for being clueless about how to manage a lost and broken feline. Unbidden, an image of his parents flashed through his mind.
Barely even realizing what he was doing, Alonzo sank down into a sitting position, not paying attention to whether he accidentally slid too close to Rage's space in the process. He was a complete loss here. Why did he even stay? He didn't know. "You're right," he mumbled, giving up on tact, "it was a completely stupid idea, wasn't it."
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Post by X2 on Jan 6, 2020 13:09:04 GMT -5
Rage scarcely noticed or just didn't care that Alonzo had sat down in his inner space, that there was a solid shoulder pressed up against his thinner and bonier shoulder. He did hear Alonzo despite his mumblings, probably because they were sitting so close together. "Had...same..." His mind whirred as the numbness set in and he struggled to remember the right word. Finally it came to him. "Thought."
A shrug came to him and he felt his side arm slide along Alonzo's. "...'m stupid too, guess."
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 6, 2020 13:40:48 GMT -5
Rage's comment helped to snap Alonzo back to himself a bit. The frustration of realizing there was nothing to be done for this Snowmane person, combined with Rage's talk of "failure," had started Alonzo thinking of his parents, which he had always promised himself never to do. It only caused Alonzo to start "wallowing," as he called it - focusing on the failures in his past, to the point of obsessing over them. It had only happened once or twice since coming to the Junkyard, but Alonzo vowed never to let it happen again. What was the point of dwelling on the past? It only served to make him hate himself and sit around being useless. What kind of protector was that?
Now, thanks to both he and Rage calling themselves "stupid," Alonzo could see a...if not exactly humorous, then at least a strange or absurd side to the situation. He seized on that as a focal point and pushed the dangerous thoughts aside. So they had spent an entire conversation establishing that they were both stupid. Alonzo was tempted to mention something about "welcome to Club Stupid," but he got the feeling Rage wouldn't appreciate it. It would be a shame to upset him further, now that they had seemingly made such 'progress' - if you could call a few sentences progress. But they were also sitting quite near each other, which was something.
But there was still the problem of Snowmane - well, the lack of Snowmane. The fact that she was gone, and that there was nothing to be done about it. What else was there to be said?
Then Alonzo thought of something else. Rage had ventured out to the streets looking for Snowmane; but he'd returned to the Junkyard after. Maybe Rage himself didn't know why, but maybe it meant something? Did he want to stay? Perhaps inviting him officially to live here and giving him some sort of job would help him...if not exactly feel he had a purpose, at least a distraction? Surely Munkustrap would approve of such a thing?
Carefully, Alonzo started by asking, "What do you intend to do now?"
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Post by X2 on Jan 7, 2020 8:48:12 GMT -5
Rage sat there for a little longer, zoning. His ears were drooped as he looked in front of him. He had drawn his knees up to his chest, while his chin rested atop his knees. He had sad eyes, and had anyone passed by them, Rage would have looked like a forlorn child, miserable and lost. As it were, all he felt with this cold grip him in a way he'd never experienced. And a numbness in his mind, thoughts, emotions, memories and ceased; there was nothing. Never having to deal with loss himself, he just didn't know how to process it. Did she have any family or friends? Were they going to just wait forever for her to come back? They wouldn't know what happened to Snowmane.
Was his new purpose to seek out all her friends and family to tell them her fate, or was it better for them to live in false hope? To remain ignorant. To think different possibilities to her sudden disappearance. Maybe he was her only friend and she had no family. And if that were the case, how sad would that be? Missed by only one cat, who can't even properly mourn her death. Someone who doesn't even know how to deal with it. Snowmane deserved so much better then him.
Alonzo's question did assail his ears, but he muttered a 'dunno' at him. Mainly because he hadn't really been sure what Alonzo asked. Not really, too numb and lost. Wrapping his arms around his legs, he didn't realize he was leaning towards Alonzo, nor did he notice if he had felt more of Alonzo's fur and warmth or if the tom had discreetly moved away. "Should I do?" He had meant to ask what should he do, having no recollection of Alonzo asking him a similar question, but his mind wasn't coming up with whole sentences or words.
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 7, 2020 10:05:00 GMT -5
Alonzo had stayed in the same spot he'd ended up in when he sat down. When Ragnvald leaned towards him, the harlequin kept as still as a statue - or, as nearly so as he could while continuing to actually breathe. Uneasy as he felt at being so near a tom who only a little while ago had tried to bowl him over, Alonzo was more worried that if he moved, Rage would fully notice him and freak out that someone was in his personal space. Besides, throughout this whole conversation, Alonzo had grown more and more convinced that this tom wasn't so much 'angry and dangerous' as 'hurt and confused.' Not that that improved matters much; Alonzo's forte was action, not 'talking about feelings,' especially with someone who...well, wouldn't say much. And the one thing that Alonzo might have been able to help him with, finding his friend...it was too late for that.
But eventually Rage had seemed to grow more responsive. And Alonzo had thought of something he could do for the other tom. Well, could offer for Rage to do, at any rate. There was no knowing how he might respond. That was why Alonzo had started with the question 'What will you do?', not wanting to jump the gun if Rage actually had other plans. But Rage, it seemed, was at a loss, and even wanted to be told what he should do. Why beat about the bush any further? There was no harm asking, at any rate.
Alonzo felt like he should make some speech or something, something about how 'The Jellicles are always on the lookout for new members,' 'You would be an excellent asset to the tribe,' etc., but he didn't know how to express such things and anything he thought of sounded fake in his head. So instead, he cleared his throat and suggested softly, "You could stay here. If you want."
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Post by X2 on Jan 7, 2020 15:40:46 GMT -5
Ragnvald didn't move, but he did hear Alonzo's statement. It did indeed take him longer to process the words, the suggestion then it normally would have. What with so much on his mind, and yet nothing on is mind, already. Once he realized what Alonzo had said, a dry sardonic laugh came out of his mouth. "Oh yeah?" Rage's chuckle had died down and he went back to his comforting silence. He couldn't take Alonzo seriously. He...had heard jokes from afar, and they were still a foreign concept to him, but that was Alonzo making one.
Right?! Was that what he heard? A joke?
Since he had woken up, he had judging eyes on him at all times. No one there trusted him, he was an unknown, and what did that silver tom say? Dangerous. And they were right not to. He had no reason to really trust these cats either. He had a whole lifetime to distrust cats. On the off chance Alonzo wasn't making a funny, Rage thought carefully about how he wanted to seriously respond to that. "What would a tom like me....even...do here?" He hadn't stuck around to really make accurate observations and judgments on this group of cats, but he knew exactly what he was. He didn't think he'd be a good fit.
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 7, 2020 16:47:10 GMT -5
Alonzo's ears flattened slightly in annoyance as Rage started to chuckle. For some reason, of all the responses he might have expected, humor and/or sarcasm hadn't been one of them. Gloomy silence? Maybe. A despairing, 'What for, there's nothing left for me in life' would even have made more sense to him. But not this taking it as a joke, not taking Alonzo seriously. It irked him. Though his invitation had been simply put, it had taken a lot for him to make himself say it.
But he did his best to keep ahold of his temper. This was one of the trauma-cats, he reminded himself for the umpteenth time. They couldn't be expected to behave like...well, like normal, non-traumatized cats. Besides, he couldn't or shouldn't force or manipulate Rage into staying; if he'd rather be somewhere else...
But then Rage spoke again. What could a tom like me do here? Did that mean he was considering staying after all? Well, at least Alonzo knew somewhat how to answer his question. "There's all sorts of things to do here," he shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "Somecats gather food. Some protect the borders. The kits, of course, just play. Some just sit around all day and eat food." He thought of Bustopher Jones and chuckled slightly. "Take your pick. We're all here for one reason or another, but mainly safety." If nothing else, surely the idea of just being safe would resonate with Rage.
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Post by X2 on Jan 7, 2020 21:32:07 GMT -5
For a split second, Rage's ears had perked up at the thought that there may have been a place for him after all. But he had killed, he wasn't sure if these cats would understand that. So down his ears went, flat against his head, while he listened to Alonzo list off the possibilities his hope dwindled to nothing. So some cats gathered food. He could do that. He had done that for years. But, there was a lot of cats in the tribe. He was use to only scrapping for food for himself. As he reflected on that, he started getting the sinking suspicion that the jellicles would not approve of his ways and methods of obtaining food. So mentally he passed on that option.
There was the option to protect borders, he assumed that would be similar to protecting cats, right....was that what borders meant. Protect the cats in the tribe? In any case, he had recently started protecting strays and house cats on the streets. This was something he knew he could do. His eyes had lit up at the possibility. But he eventually deflated again and grimaced. He supposed killing any enemies was probably frowned upon. These seemed like a welcoming, open, forgiving bunch. The white and black tom was talking to him, and trying to get him to join the tribe. Him of all toms. Slow....quiet....killer of a tom that he was. But he was a survivor, and if need be; he'd be able to survive on the streets. He didn't know for how much longer, but he'd do it for as long as possible. Mentally, he passed on the second option.
The next mentioned thing, were kits. And as he was no kitten, that was another thing he had passed on. At the mention of food, it wasn't even the whole laze around and do nothing but eat that caught his attention. It was simply the word, food. He felt his empty belly make it's presence known, and he gave Alonzo a stare. Only just realizing how close they were sitting. Abruptly he scooted away from Alonzo and then stood up. "Food?" He had been grabbing what little food he could since he woke up. Running to the streets and going back to old habits. He hadn't taken food from them, as he didn't know where he was or who these strange cats were. And at the pang in his stomach, he realized now just how hungry he really was. The growling was also quite loud and obvious. "There's...food?"
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 8, 2020 13:34:05 GMT -5
Alonzo tried to gauge Rage's reaction to his offer, though it wasn't easy given that Alonzo didn't want to actually turn and look at the other tom and possibly scare him off. So he kept his head still and watched Rage as best he could out of the corner of his eye. Would Rage laugh at him again, still thinking he was fooling? Reject the offer and walk off? Freeze up and say nothing at all? Or...just maybe... Accept the offer and decide to stay? It would depend, Alonzo supposed...on whether a life in the Junkyard sounded any more appealing than a life on the streets. If you knew how to survive alone, why bother with other cats at all--unless, of course, you simply wanted to?
His mind starting to wander, Alonzo gave a slight jump when there was a low growling sound and Rage stood up. Instinctively, Alonzo stood up too, for a moment worried that the growl had been some intruder nearby and Rage had stood because he'd seen something. Scanning the area, Alonzo saw nothing or no-one in the immediate vicinity except themselves, and it at last occurred to him what the sound had been. Especially when Ragnvald asked about food. Alonzo had been so bent on the 'safety' aspect that for the moment he almost forgot he mentioned food. Relieved that Rage hadn't stood up because of any danger nearby, Alonzo didn't give himself enough time to form a complete thought before blurting out stupidly, "You hungry?" Shaking his head in embarrassment, he corrected, "I mean, yes, there's food. And I'm getting hungry myself, must be near lunchtime. Why don't we find some?"
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Post by X2 on Jan 9, 2020 10:37:59 GMT -5
It had been two or three days since he ate, he wasn't really keeping track. But his stomach had made itself no, and he couldn't ignore the rumbling in his empty stomach any longer. All he could do was nod his head slowly and reply with a soft,"Yes." He shifted from foot to foot nervously, not sure where to go, or if they were just going to head back out to the streets to try and hunt down some mice. Should he tell them there were slim pickings in the city? With so many different gangs laying claims to the good hunting grounds. Maybe the Jellicles were one of that gangs that had one of the best hunting grounds. If so, he supposed that'd be a pro to joining. Though he had never joined any of the previous gangs before, and for good reason.
"It's..." He frowned, but this tom already knew something personal about him; it'd be stupid to try and keep himself from being vulnerable. Or to keep everything private about his life. So he finished his thought. "Been days since I ate." Rage stood still as he stared at Alonzo. For now, he seemed it best to allow the black and white tom lead. He didn't know his way around the yard yet. Yet? Rage grimaced. Was he already considering staying? There was too many jellicles, how was he suppose to conceal his societal inequities from so many? No doubt they'd find out sooner or later and then he'd become a laughing stock, like he was on the streets.
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 9, 2020 11:08:04 GMT -5
At Rage's agreement that they find some food, Alonzo got ready to lead the way - after all, if there was one thing he did know about cats who didn't trust others, it was that they never wanted to have their backs turned to you. But Alonzo paused when Rage spoke again, and his pelt prickled with guilt at the other tom's words. Days since he ate? He'd assumed all the strays, at least the ones who were still here, had been at least having their basic needs seen to. But then, he recalled, Rage had been gone looking for Snowmane for a while; and even when he came back, did he trust the Jellicles enough to eat their food? You couldn't make someone eat. Still, Alonzo felt somehow responsible for the fact that one of the 'guests' had gone that long without anything to eat. Surely, if they'd known, Jelly or Jenn or one of the other healers could have somehow managed to coax the untrusting tom into eating something?
"Well..." Alonzo swallowed hard, "Well, then, we'd better fix that, eh."
Not far from where they'd been sitting was a small opening cleared behind one of the piles of junk, which had sort of unofficially become a storage area for the extra food being kept on paw for the strays. At least, that was where Alonzo had stashed what was left of the food he'd handed out, and he thought he'd seen Teazer or one of the others stash theirs in the same place. Hopefully, only a few of the adults knew about it, and none of the kittens, or else there might be only crumbs left... Thankfully, peering in, he saw still a good portion of meat left, and even some random piles of kitten chow. Gathering some of the items, and sniffing carefully at the meat to make sure it hadn't gone bad yet, he glanced over his shoulder to see if Rage had followed. Even if Rage had stayed by the pipe, Alonzo was near enough for the tom to see exactly what he did - if Rage was still suspicious of him. But Alonzo got the feeling hunger was winning out.
((I tried to keep the food stash vague enough that if someday we decide to have an official 'food pantry' location, this shouldn't mess it up too much...))
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Post by X2 on Jan 10, 2020 23:08:34 GMT -5
Rage, though felt like a weak little kitten again, after facing the death of Snowmane, and in front of a stranger. But he forced himself to follow the tom with his head held high. He wasn't going to be a meek follower. He cocked his head to the side, once Alonzo stopped and he watched as the tom searched for food. Searched. Like there was just food lying around. A stash. He'd never been lucky to find enough food for a stash. Just enough to keep him alive. His nose had sniffed out the meat, even if he hadn't quite seen it yet. He felt his stomach lurch and his mouth had instantly watered. His first reaction, of course, was to push Alonzo aside, grab the meat and run to safety. Then literally inhale it before anyone could take it away from him. And his claws did pop out, but he stood his ground, and resisted his nature; his instincts. Even if he didn't plan on staying there, he was not stupid enough to turn this tribe of cats into an enemy. Not while he was alone.
He sat down near, but not beside Alonzo, and cleared his throat softly. "Throw me some."
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eliaza
Wonderful Jellicle
By singing songs about themselves, of course!
Posts: 525
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Post by eliaza on Jan 10, 2020 23:22:50 GMT -5
Alonzo forced himself to remain calm, even though inwardly he felt like a frazzled mother queen who's finally found something her kitten will eat! Admittedly he felt ridiculous for being that excited. But from what he'd managed to learn about Rage thus far, the fact that the stray tom had actually been comfortable enough to sit down and ask for food - actually ask for it himself, not have to be coaxed into accepting it! - seemed nothing short of a miracle.
"Here," he said, passing Rage a piece of meat and a pile of kitten chow, also putting aside a portion for himself. "There's more too," he added, "and it should be eaten soon so it doesn't go bad and get wasted, so have all you want."
The harlequin tom sat as well and started eating his...lunch, or supper, or whatever it was, he'd lost track of time. He didn't look over at Rage, thinking the tom might not eat if he was being stared at. If anycat happened to come along now, they'd think this looked like some sort of awkward picnic.
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